The Xian Project will soon conclude and hopefully coincide with my goal of taking over the world one cell phone at a time.

As it clearly stipulates on my cell phone, I'm a genius. That must mean you are not. Of course, that much was already obvious. But I must digress due to your short attention spans and lack of RAM, hence the announcement. Throw SATs, GREs, MCATs, LSATs out the window, because the new measurement for scholastic aptitude will be Push-Push, a game on my cell. As I am currently on level 58, it clearly validates my superior status as a genius while the likes of Emily, Ed and Nick find themselves meandering in the single digit levels of moronocism.

I like big balls but I only have small balls to play with.

Having VD got annoying, so I dumped her. That is why I am in the process of modifying my cell phone to make-up for the absence of Virtual Dana. I've developed a new girl friend program entitled Hypertext-Oriented Existence, or HOE. I plan to have 8 HOES by the end of this week.

Currently my cell can perform the following functions: replicate all show tunes, play all games, record music, assist in brain scans, make kim chee, time travel, microwave small burritos, act Korean and teleport. After a few more tweaks, it will also have the ability to: walk my dog, dye my hair, and be my first HOE. After those tweaks, I'll find a way for my cell to actually make phone calls but that's just a superfluously inane detail at this point.

Apologies to Nick. I, a recently certified professional dyist, was going for a cool DragonBallz / Japanese Anime look with the blue hair dye, but what came out was straight up Oompah Loompah. I tried saran-wrapping his head to seal in the freshness of the color but that Nick is as hard to catch as a duck in a pool.

Oh yeah, back to me liking big balls (sorry I wander like that, but my brain works extremely fast, like a P-4 2.1ghz. processor). I'd rather hit big balls but I only have small balls to play with at home, so Jefe you can pitch whatever you want to me during the softball game.

Speaking of small balls, I had my prostate exam the other day (cough, cough) so don't worry everyone, I'm all checked out and ready to go.

If "Korean-ness" was represented by a single molecule of water, I'd be the freakin' Pacific Ocean,
Digi-Dan Dan-da-man.

PS- Koreans rule.
PSS-Especially red-haired Koreans under 48 inches.